There is one constant in the Universe and that is change there is no way around it and no matter whether you like it or not or whether for good or ill change does occur. All though it may seem as though it happened overnight it really didn't it was occurring along and maybe we just didn't catch it. An example is someone we care about is there and the next minute their gone. I began to ponder this because I hadn't written anything in a long long time.
Why? Well because my life began to change and it change dramatically to begin with my mother became ill in 2008 and I took care of her throughout her illness. She had gone through a lot being diagnosed with breast cancer and having a complete and radical mastectomy. She was also diagnosed with congestive heart failure but she kept on going till she couldn't anymore. I think the main reason she held on was because of me. She didn't want me to be alone. Well, to start at the very beginning she had a heart attack and stroke in 2008. I was at work and called her on my lunch hour I didn't think it peculiar when she didn't answer the phone I thought she just might be out in the yard. I found her on the floor when I got home she had been like that all day. Thank God and his mercy she was alive just incoherent. I called ambulance and we went to the ER. Later the doctors said she was lucky if she had to have a stroke she could have chosen a better position in the brain to have one. I not medical expert but it was something about if it occurs on the left side your more likely to die. Her stay in the hospital lasted about a month and a half including rehab. We celebrated Christmas in the hospital and New years in rehab facility.
She began to get better and was allowed to come home. I quit my job so I could take care of her. I felt it was the least I could do. It wasn't easy mind there were some lean times and on many occasions Peter found himself robbed to pay Paul. We went along with our daily routine each. It was at this time she began to tell some of my family history, you know the good , the bad and the ugly and she began to talk about my father something she was never really opened about. Don't get me wrong she didn't dog him out or anythingshe just didn't talk about him.
Things went fairly smoothly for a while until 6 months later another bump arose. She began to have trouble with her mastectomy ( I hope I spelled that right), anyway a wound developed. We would late find out that the wound was much bigger on the inside than on the outside. Apparently when mom had her radiation treatment it was much different than the treatment they use know then not only did it destroy the cancer cells but it destroyed normal cells too.
You know if someone had told that at some point of in my life I would be changing a would on my mother's chest big enough to cover my hand with I would have said they were crazy. They place mom is a hyperbolic??? chamber. It is the type of chamber that has 100% pure oxygen to heal wounds on patients. The wound did not heal because the surgeon had remove all blood vessels and lymph node from that site in order to save her life . She had to have another surgery. This involved her staying two and half months in a hospital in Dallas. She had to have antibiotics to clear the infection inside before they could operate. The operations took hours mom had to have two of her ribs removed because the infection had gotten into them the surgeon then had to remove a portion of muscle from her back to attach it to the site so it could be fed blood and heal. All this required a prolonged stay in the hospital and rehab and we celebrated another holiday season with nurses.
We returned home and things went back to normal as much as possible when you live a certain way for so long the abnormal seems normal. Anyway something are not meant to be even though she fought on and still told me stories about my crazy family member and jokes she began to get weaker and weaker. She began to repeat herself more and forget things more but she never forgot me (thank God). Within that time period Mom had lost her sister whom she was very close to and was like a second mother to me. I remember the expression and her words when I told her. She quietly spoke I am the last one. Previous to that mom has lost four brothers, her mother and father. It was also at this point she began to get a little more melancholy and would often tell me she felt like she was holding me back and I replied that I wouldn't be there unless I wanted to be and I wanted to be. Don't get wrong there were tough times but even in though tough times a small voice would tell me you know what one day you want hear that voice anymore except in your memories.
Well, change set in once again and mom have to be rushed to the emergency room (why is that trouble always seems to come in the midnight hour?).....Anyway the doctors diagnosed her with lung cancer, kidney failure. They gave her a week at the most because she was unresponsivel. You know what that dear sweet stubborn lady proved them all wrong she became responsive once and last four months. Our family doctor pulled me aside and said that I had gone as far as I could with taking care of her at home and she was place in hospice care at a nursing home. We had more time to talk and to joke and whenever I left for day I made sure I told her I loved her.
Eventually the quiet before the storm passed and mom became unresponsive once again. and deep down inside I knew that when she came home this was it but I didn't want to admit it. There was no answering voice when I talked to I just held her hand and told her that if she wanted to go it was all right and I would be okay. I also told her what a great mother she had been and I was sorry for not realising ealier you know when you are a kid you just don't think sometime.
On Saturday May 17th 2009 I met with the funeral director my family had used for years to make arrangement it wasn't easy but I knew it was coming I just didn't know when. Now that I think about there were many nights when I went to sleep and would hear and ambulance I would pray please God don't let it be mom. After I left the funeral home I walked into her room Mom had already gone it was as if she knew I had finally accepted it.
Why did I write about this now maybe because it was time too but it wasn't to get sympathy for myself. My main thought as I finish this is my mother once told me that she never blamed God for anything that has happened to me. Through all this and even though she celebrated her last birthday in the hospital she kept her faith. I don't know if I dare to compare my mother with Job in the bible but she did have plenty of faith. I think it is the one thing essential to get us all through any change and while it may not be mind boggling to some it seems that faith is also the easiest thing for us to loose when going through hardships.
I'll see you soon
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