| IF..... |
| IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can make one heap of all your winnings If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, |
Thursday, March 18, 2010
If by Rudyard Kipling
What makes people who they are.......
My very first blog was about why I had written anything for a while and what my mother and I had went through and like I had said before during our time together she told me somethings about my family I never knew I may write about them sometime. There is one story I felt I need to share. I had this cousin and her name was Carrie Mae. I really didn't know to much about because she was an adult while I was still a kid. I really admired her photos from back in the day because she was so beautiful I mean she could have been a young Lena Horne's stand in, but as beautiful as she was she a major drinking problem and a habit of picking men that treated her like dirt.
During one of my conversions with mom she began to tell me of Carrie Mae's life. First of this happen in the late 50's early 60's and desegregation was just a dream. My family lived is a small southern town I mean it is really a BFE (Bum Fuck Egypt). Well back in those days if you were a person of color and your parent's divorced and there where children involved it went down like this. The court's gave custody of the daughters to their fathers and custody of the sons to the mothers I don't know what the reasoning behind that was. Well, Carrie Mae's parents divorced and she was given custody to her father. Now I know you're thinking he must have abused her. There was abuse but it wasn't the father. Carrie Mae's father remarried this woman named Cali Edna who for some reason couldn't not stand Carrie's birth mother. The divorce happened when Carrie was about three or maybe even younger. Carrie's stepmother use to tell her the most horrible stories about her mother which the family found out about later on. She would tell that her mother didn't want and she just got rid of so she could run around and chase men when you are a young kid you trust in adults completely especially back then.
So during the summertime the town held a county fair and the let African Americans attend on one certain day. On that day both families were on the fair ground. Carrie's mother saw her and called to her she just wanted to hug her. Carrie began to cry and back away from her. Her mother said, "Don't you know me baby I'm your mother" at those words Carrie gave way to a full out bawl and ran to her stepmother who stood there with this smirk on her face. It was at that point the Carrie's mom walked up to
Cali Edna(step mom) and slapped the shhhh.........Chicago out of her.
As Carrie began to get older things didn't improve for her for one thing while her father was at work her step mom began to have affairs and bring men home and they would offer Carrie money and treats not to tell another thing that began to happen was the beatings Cali Edna began to give Carrie. You might ask why didn't her father do something because I did and I found out the reason Aunt Florence (Carrie's mother) divorced him was because he was weak. He wasn't a bad man just weak. Cali Edna was also tell him she punished Carrie because she wouldn't mind and he would tell Carrie just do what your mother says.
One day when Carrie was about twelve she got the worse beating of her life and she wore a long sleeve blouse to cover up the welts and bruises. She show them to her friends when the teachers weren't around and they told if I were you I would run away and Carrie did. During recess she walked to the local sheriff's office and told them what happened the sheriff asked her ( and this is messed up) if she wanted to be put in jail. That's put Carrie in jail and not Cali Edna. I think it must have taken all the strength in the world for a 12 year old girl to walk into a red neck sheriff's office to get help and the first thing he asks is if she wants to go to jail. Anyway Carrie replied no I want to go were my mother is because my step mother is mean to me. The deputy sheriff drove her to Aunt Florence's house with was 5 miles away.
Her stay with her mother would be brief because sure enough the courts gave her back to her father ( remember y'all this is in the 50's and 60's)things still didn't get any better when Carrie began to reach courtin' age as the old folks used to call that when something really traumatic happened to her. I don't know if Cali Edna did what she did out spite because she didn't like Aunt Florence but deep down inside I suspect the Carrie's father still had feeling for Aunt Florence and never really got over her and Cali Edna took it out on Carrie Mae.
Mom told me in those days if you were a girl and had a problem you got taken across the river to get rid of that "little problem" remember there were no abortion clinics in those days ( at least I don't think so) however in certain communities there were people who knew how to do things even though they were not medically trained. So Cali Edna took Carrie Mae to one of these people mind you Carrie wasn't pregnant. Cali Edna's reasoning was and I quote it as it was quoted to me,"This gal done reach courting age I am not about to have her getting no baby for me and Square(that's what they called Carrie's father) to take care. The so-called attendants held Carrie done and the problem fixer did his job. In shore Her step-mom took her to this person to have her fixed like you would and cat or a dog. Well needless to say the job was botch she lost a great deal of blood and developed a fever and had to be taken to the "coloured hospital". Cali Edna's objective, however, was complete Carrie would never have children.
Mom said she was never the same after that Carrie married but divorced and the tragic pattern of her life began to develop even further. It was drink that took away her beauty and her life she died of cirrhosis of the liver. I learned that day you never really know what a person has been through. I mean it easy to say if that had been me I'd done this and I'd have done that but you really don't know not until you hear the whole story of what makes a person the way they are. Don't worry I don't just to tell sad melancholy stories. I have funnies ones and ones with happy endings too.
Until next time
During one of my conversions with mom she began to tell me of Carrie Mae's life. First of this happen in the late 50's early 60's and desegregation was just a dream. My family lived is a small southern town I mean it is really a BFE (Bum Fuck Egypt). Well back in those days if you were a person of color and your parent's divorced and there where children involved it went down like this. The court's gave custody of the daughters to their fathers and custody of the sons to the mothers I don't know what the reasoning behind that was. Well, Carrie Mae's parents divorced and she was given custody to her father. Now I know you're thinking he must have abused her. There was abuse but it wasn't the father. Carrie Mae's father remarried this woman named Cali Edna who for some reason couldn't not stand Carrie's birth mother. The divorce happened when Carrie was about three or maybe even younger. Carrie's stepmother use to tell her the most horrible stories about her mother which the family found out about later on. She would tell that her mother didn't want and she just got rid of so she could run around and chase men when you are a young kid you trust in adults completely especially back then.
So during the summertime the town held a county fair and the let African Americans attend on one certain day. On that day both families were on the fair ground. Carrie's mother saw her and called to her she just wanted to hug her. Carrie began to cry and back away from her. Her mother said, "Don't you know me baby I'm your mother" at those words Carrie gave way to a full out bawl and ran to her stepmother who stood there with this smirk on her face. It was at that point the Carrie's mom walked up to
Cali Edna(step mom) and slapped the shhhh.........Chicago out of her.
As Carrie began to get older things didn't improve for her for one thing while her father was at work her step mom began to have affairs and bring men home and they would offer Carrie money and treats not to tell another thing that began to happen was the beatings Cali Edna began to give Carrie. You might ask why didn't her father do something because I did and I found out the reason Aunt Florence (Carrie's mother) divorced him was because he was weak. He wasn't a bad man just weak. Cali Edna was also tell him she punished Carrie because she wouldn't mind and he would tell Carrie just do what your mother says.
One day when Carrie was about twelve she got the worse beating of her life and she wore a long sleeve blouse to cover up the welts and bruises. She show them to her friends when the teachers weren't around and they told if I were you I would run away and Carrie did. During recess she walked to the local sheriff's office and told them what happened the sheriff asked her ( and this is messed up) if she wanted to be put in jail. That's put Carrie in jail and not Cali Edna. I think it must have taken all the strength in the world for a 12 year old girl to walk into a red neck sheriff's office to get help and the first thing he asks is if she wants to go to jail. Anyway Carrie replied no I want to go were my mother is because my step mother is mean to me. The deputy sheriff drove her to Aunt Florence's house with was 5 miles away.
Her stay with her mother would be brief because sure enough the courts gave her back to her father ( remember y'all this is in the 50's and 60's)things still didn't get any better when Carrie began to reach courtin' age as the old folks used to call that when something really traumatic happened to her. I don't know if Cali Edna did what she did out spite because she didn't like Aunt Florence but deep down inside I suspect the Carrie's father still had feeling for Aunt Florence and never really got over her and Cali Edna took it out on Carrie Mae.
Mom told me in those days if you were a girl and had a problem you got taken across the river to get rid of that "little problem" remember there were no abortion clinics in those days ( at least I don't think so) however in certain communities there were people who knew how to do things even though they were not medically trained. So Cali Edna took Carrie Mae to one of these people mind you Carrie wasn't pregnant. Cali Edna's reasoning was and I quote it as it was quoted to me,"This gal done reach courting age I am not about to have her getting no baby for me and Square(that's what they called Carrie's father) to take care. The so-called attendants held Carrie done and the problem fixer did his job. In shore Her step-mom took her to this person to have her fixed like you would and cat or a dog. Well needless to say the job was botch she lost a great deal of blood and developed a fever and had to be taken to the "coloured hospital". Cali Edna's objective, however, was complete Carrie would never have children.
Mom said she was never the same after that Carrie married but divorced and the tragic pattern of her life began to develop even further. It was drink that took away her beauty and her life she died of cirrhosis of the liver. I learned that day you never really know what a person has been through. I mean it easy to say if that had been me I'd done this and I'd have done that but you really don't know not until you hear the whole story of what makes a person the way they are. Don't worry I don't just to tell sad melancholy stories. I have funnies ones and ones with happy endings too.
Until next time
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The constant change of Life
There is one constant in the Universe and that is change there is no way around it and no matter whether you like it or not or whether for good or ill change does occur. All though it may seem as though it happened overnight it really didn't it was occurring along and maybe we just didn't catch it. An example is someone we care about is there and the next minute their gone. I began to ponder this because I hadn't written anything in a long long time.
Why? Well because my life began to change and it change dramatically to begin with my mother became ill in 2008 and I took care of her throughout her illness. She had gone through a lot being diagnosed with breast cancer and having a complete and radical mastectomy. She was also diagnosed with congestive heart failure but she kept on going till she couldn't anymore. I think the main reason she held on was because of me. She didn't want me to be alone. Well, to start at the very beginning she had a heart attack and stroke in 2008. I was at work and called her on my lunch hour I didn't think it peculiar when she didn't answer the phone I thought she just might be out in the yard. I found her on the floor when I got home she had been like that all day. Thank God and his mercy she was alive just incoherent. I called ambulance and we went to the ER. Later the doctors said she was lucky if she had to have a stroke she could have chosen a better position in the brain to have one. I not medical expert but it was something about if it occurs on the left side your more likely to die. Her stay in the hospital lasted about a month and a half including rehab. We celebrated Christmas in the hospital and New years in rehab facility.
She began to get better and was allowed to come home. I quit my job so I could take care of her. I felt it was the least I could do. It wasn't easy mind there were some lean times and on many occasions Peter found himself robbed to pay Paul. We went along with our daily routine each. It was at this time she began to tell some of my family history, you know the good , the bad and the ugly and she began to talk about my father something she was never really opened about. Don't get me wrong she didn't dog him out or anythingshe just didn't talk about him.
Things went fairly smoothly for a while until 6 months later another bump arose. She began to have trouble with her mastectomy ( I hope I spelled that right), anyway a wound developed. We would late find out that the wound was much bigger on the inside than on the outside. Apparently when mom had her radiation treatment it was much different than the treatment they use know then not only did it destroy the cancer cells but it destroyed normal cells too.
You know if someone had told that at some point of in my life I would be changing a would on my mother's chest big enough to cover my hand with I would have said they were crazy. They place mom is a hyperbolic??? chamber. It is the type of chamber that has 100% pure oxygen to heal wounds on patients. The wound did not heal because the surgeon had remove all blood vessels and lymph node from that site in order to save her life . She had to have another surgery. This involved her staying two and half months in a hospital in Dallas. She had to have antibiotics to clear the infection inside before they could operate. The operations took hours mom had to have two of her ribs removed because the infection had gotten into them the surgeon then had to remove a portion of muscle from her back to attach it to the site so it could be fed blood and heal. All this required a prolonged stay in the hospital and rehab and we celebrated another holiday season with nurses.
We returned home and things went back to normal as much as possible when you live a certain way for so long the abnormal seems normal. Anyway something are not meant to be even though she fought on and still told me stories about my crazy family member and jokes she began to get weaker and weaker. She began to repeat herself more and forget things more but she never forgot me (thank God). Within that time period Mom had lost her sister whom she was very close to and was like a second mother to me. I remember the expression and her words when I told her. She quietly spoke I am the last one. Previous to that mom has lost four brothers, her mother and father. It was also at this point she began to get a little more melancholy and would often tell me she felt like she was holding me back and I replied that I wouldn't be there unless I wanted to be and I wanted to be. Don't get wrong there were tough times but even in though tough times a small voice would tell me you know what one day you want hear that voice anymore except in your memories.
Well, change set in once again and mom have to be rushed to the emergency room (why is that trouble always seems to come in the midnight hour?).....Anyway the doctors diagnosed her with lung cancer, kidney failure. They gave her a week at the most because she was unresponsivel. You know what that dear sweet stubborn lady proved them all wrong she became responsive once and last four months. Our family doctor pulled me aside and said that I had gone as far as I could with taking care of her at home and she was place in hospice care at a nursing home. We had more time to talk and to joke and whenever I left for day I made sure I told her I loved her.
Eventually the quiet before the storm passed and mom became unresponsive once again. and deep down inside I knew that when she came home this was it but I didn't want to admit it. There was no answering voice when I talked to I just held her hand and told her that if she wanted to go it was all right and I would be okay. I also told her what a great mother she had been and I was sorry for not realising ealier you know when you are a kid you just don't think sometime.
On Saturday May 17th 2009 I met with the funeral director my family had used for years to make arrangement it wasn't easy but I knew it was coming I just didn't know when. Now that I think about there were many nights when I went to sleep and would hear and ambulance I would pray please God don't let it be mom. After I left the funeral home I walked into her room Mom had already gone it was as if she knew I had finally accepted it.
Why did I write about this now maybe because it was time too but it wasn't to get sympathy for myself. My main thought as I finish this is my mother once told me that she never blamed God for anything that has happened to me. Through all this and even though she celebrated her last birthday in the hospital she kept her faith. I don't know if I dare to compare my mother with Job in the bible but she did have plenty of faith. I think it is the one thing essential to get us all through any change and while it may not be mind boggling to some it seems that faith is also the easiest thing for us to loose when going through hardships.
I'll see you soon
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